Left Behind

What do you do when the thing that brings you the most joy also causes immense pain?  When the love that you feel makes you hate yourself?

Trust me when I say that the ultimate sacrifice for love is letting go and leaving your heart behind.

It's been a while now since I've made the conscious decision not to love the one man I love more than any other.  When you don't believe in love at first sight and are proved wrong by the emotions that one person provokes in you how can you expect an easy rebound?

This has been really hard for me.  I've lost a good friend who showed me just how little I can be valued.  I've wasted months of emotional torment.  I've lost hope in the world around me and what it has in store.  I don't trust that good things can come my way because I whole-heartedly believe that I have one of the best things life can give me dangling in front of my eyes and I can't see beyond him.

Somebody hold me too close...somebody hurt me too deep...somebody show me that at the end of the day, I am a wonderful last sight before slumber.

I want to go back to high school...where a relationship was based on how many times you text each other and how many hickies you have to hide before school.

I
Want
To
Love
Again

I know that what I have now is better than a "boyfriend."  What I have is a best friend, and those really don't come that often.  I realize that I'm blessed with numerous best friends and that could possibly be the reason why I want this new applicant to become something more.

Something that he'll never be.

And that's something I know and understand and still can't comprehend.

This brain of mine is a stupid place, loaded with burnt memories and singed experiences.  It's hard now to make out the building blocks of who I am today.  And believe me, it's pretty hard to build a me of tomorrow when I can't remember what the foundation looked like.

I want to regain my intellect.

I want to write again.

I want to make art and follow my dreams and succeed.

I want these things that are so easily in my grasp and I want someone to carry them with me.

The greatest thing I want to learn...is just to love, and to be loved in return.

Good night.

Writing Again

Well...it's definitely been a while.  Instead of filling you in on all the things in my life that you've missed, I'd like to leave you with something I've written recently.  I could explain it to you, but I'll just let you read it.  I hope you like:

Swing sets and merry-g-rounds.  These are our challenges.  How high can you swing, how fast can you spin?  These are our accomplishments.  Our happiness is measured in moments like these where the world is our own and nothing can stand in our way.  Youth is invincible because it isn’t measured by the years we’ve achieved but the state of open-mindedness we have mastered and refuse to let go. 

Sitting in the sand, marking my territory with personalized petroglyphs, I revel in my existence as a member of the world.  The lines of my creation counter the angles of the jungle gym and dance with shadows of passers by.  A citizen of the Earth, I can create as I choose and become what I desire for my imagination knows no bounds.  When being a pirate is yesterday’s news and mad science is a passing fad, I play the role of Ancient Egyptian searching for my wayward adventurer to stumble across my domain.  The people of my civilization are not separated by class of nobility and servitude, but measured in greatness by the love that we share. 

Of the people living within my reign, one man stands at my right hand.  He is no less and no more in status than I because he is my equal.  He is I and I am him for once true equality is achieved, there can be no separation.  Where I go, he will follow and where he treads, I will trail.  My companion is my wayward adventure.  He is my first mate.  He is my lab assistant.  I love him beyond measure because our adventures are innumerable and our infinite moments of happiness are accessible only through our partnered attempts. 

With the world at my fingertips and creation in my palms, like many before me, I wish for more.  Surprise is not experienced I’m sure for this is the true nature of man.  We want what we can’t achieve and once we’ve achieved all we desire more.  These are not new ideas and this is not an outlandish state of mind because I am you and you are me as we are equals that share these words.  Still, in my philosophical playground, the desire for something extra resounds ever-present in my adolescent mind. 

I am worthless and that makes me feel invincible.  If my worth is calculated by the experiences I’ve had, then with innumerable and immeasurable adventures under my belt the value of my worth can never be found.  Thus, I am worthless.  And what I desire is a who as worthless as I. 

My companions are my own but they cannot create.  I cannot give them free will.  I am a powerless God.  My first mate and wayward adventurer can stand by my side through triumph and turmoil, but he will disappear as soon as I lose concentration.  He is a figment of my imagination, my true imaginary friend if you will, but I am well aware of this notion unlike some before me.  The body of a child with the mind of a scholar is my blessing and curse.  Well aware of my position in the world, I search for my true equal.  The experiences I can have would increase exponentially with a true, tangible companion.  Someone I can touch, and I can see, and I can love as my equal is my real desire. 

Fending off my peers that lack my understanding of creation is the daily challenge I face.  Their stares and insults and childish antics pierce holes through my world with daggers of reality.  Hard as I may try to rebuild my kingdom, the columns come crumbling down without a companion to work as my foundation.  Try as I might, I cannot make real my imaginary right hand man.  It is impossible to force his traits into a living being, but as I have created his soul and essence and sent it out into the ether of the world I can only wait for my creation to be absorbed by another who will in turn become my soul mate.  A mating of souls thus codified due to the creation of his soul by my soul and absorbed by who will become my companion. 

I can now only wait with open optimism for my creation to take flight and find homage in a suitable vessel.  This is my charge and until the successful transplanting of souls comes to fruition, I will continue marking the Earth and bending my reality.  Alone and unafraid I anticipate his arrival for my work is done.  I have created the magnum opus of my era, flawless in all aspects of preparation.  With this knowledge I am content to be.  Alone if my nomadic creation never finds a home and hopeful and proud for the day that he does.  Struck and stoned by the adolescent minds around me, I can no longer be harmed.  I have found my invincible youth and I will never let it go.

Happy Valentine's Day

Just like the next guy, I hate Valentine's Day...

Don't judge me, it's just a disappointing reminder that I'm still single.

That said, I am going to take the next few sentences convincing myself that I don't hate Valentine's Day.

Call me crazy...I might as well try creating world peace.

Here goes:

I love.  I love well and I love hard.  My friends are a lasting reminder that my heart (thank you Celine Dion) will go on.  I am reminded every day that I have amazing people in my life.  People that I enjoy spending time with, people that I keep in my thoughts, and people that I love.

I have a vast array of truly wonderful friends.  I surround myself with beautiful people and genuine souls.  How then is it that I convince myself that a holiday made to celebrate the very heart that I have is one not worth celebrating?

Here's to you Saint Valentine!

I am a lover!  I am loved!  I don't need one valentine to spend this day with because I have all of my friends.  They are my valentines and I am their's if they choose to accept me as such.

So let's take this day and spread love.  Let's remember that the Lonely Hearts Club doesn't need members anymore, they're at maximum capacity.

The Lover's Club is accepting applications...

Complaining

Wow...I really went to town on the whole melodramatic gay card in my previous blog.  So how about this for a contrast:

Stop complaining.

It's not attractive.  Nobody likes to hear it.  We've all got our own problems to deal with so stop freaking complaining about your easily solved problems.

If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change you freaking attitude about it.  Maya Angelou knows what I'm talking about here so I must be on to something!

Complaining about a situation is not going to resolve it.  What you need to do is learn how to step out of the situation, map out exactly what the obstacles are, and pick out the quickest route for solution.

Complaining is like procrastinating on putting a pair of shoes into your closet.  They don't belong in the middle of the living room, they're going to get in the way eventually, you don't like seeing them there anyways, so you might as well get to it.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying I will turn someone away when they need help.  What I'm trying to say is, figure out if you can do something on your own before going to everyone else to do your dirty work.  And if getting someone to help you out is your final solution, then pay attention to how they fix it so that you can learn from them and acquire the knowledge they've just presented you.

Life is a learning experience.  We can't simply glide by unknowing of all things around us.  Well...technically, yes, one can...but we shouldn't!

Rather than being an idle bystander in our own lives, how about we take action and get the gears turning.

If that doesn't sway your mind, think of this:

Complaining is annoying!

Woe is me...

To be perfectly honest, if you don't care to find out that I'm a real person underneath the thick-skinned facade...just don't even bother reading the rest of this.

I feel like shit.  I am remarkably alone even though I'm surrounded by so many loving people.  I try to put it out there that I'm strong and happy (possibly to show some that I don't need them in my life) and it really just gets tiresome after a while.

I want to curl up into a ball and never wake up because my mind is the only safe place for me.  In there I can control everything that occurs, from the fantastical to the decor I can be the puppet master.

In my mind I am safe because in there are: all of the secrets that I have been told that I have never shared, the cries I wish I could let out, the things I want to say that I hold back on, the regret for saying some things that I should have held back.  When those things are in my own mind, I can control it.  I can tuck them away and I can ignore them or call on them when I need to.  When I'm thrown into a mix of people, everything goes out of whack.  I want to pour the contents of my brain into their lap.  I want to divulge everything I've learned about old religions, technical acting, musical insight, dance intuition, and how to match the rhetoric of your latest favorite author.

I want to be happy for the great things that have come my way but I'm too preoccupied with the bad things that I've just helped others through.  Or the negative things that I can't seem to get away from.  I've made the attempt at becoming a positive person freely and without struggle and it has become the hardest adventure I have ever set myself out on.

Harder even than leaving everything and everyone you know to start a life in a state you've never lived in to pursue a dream that could very well turn out to be just that.  Harder even than choosing a lifestyle that hurt everyone close to you and wish that you could take it back so that you could have that one person to love you unconditionally.  Harder even than wanting to cry so badly that nothing happens because you have held back the tears for so long.

Do I need a relationship?  I don't think so.  I understand that in the end, I'm alone anyways.  When I fall asleep, regardless of who I lay next to, I go into a world all my own where no one else can join me.  That "alone" is what makes me who I am.  I preach so much about having to overcome yourself before you can even be ready to attempt something more than just you...but what happens when you've overcome yourself to the point where you have conquered all that you are.  And the only thing left is a minuscule fraction of what you used to be and what you will never become.

I am Atlas too weak to shrug.
I am a column eroded with time.
I am a keystone turning to dust.
I am the foundation laid upon the sand.

I am losing friends.

I am doing exactly what I did in high school before I moved to Japan.  I got rid of all of my friends so that it hurt less when I left.  I'm breaking down the friends that I have at school now so that I can graduate in peace. I'm setting myself up for solitude...

I have learned that being positive is being fake.  I tried to force my negative energies out by masking them with positive but I've realized that the positive is only a surface trait.  Even in the moment I know when I'm consciously trying to be positive because I'm attempting to convince myself that the negative isn't my reality...when in reality...it is.

Our gift as mankind is to live because when we die, everything is uncertain.  So how do we learn to appreciate that gift when this life becomes close to unbearable as each day progresses?

How do you offer a helping hand when your bones are made of sand?

So there you have it:  Adriano is a regular guy who freaks out sometimes.

I guess you were right, we're not all perfect.

God again?

Yes, I'm going back to talking about the big guy in the sky.  But more so than me discussing my annoyance with those that refuse to believe in anything spiritual, I'm going to divulge a little something I just read from The World's Religions by Huston Smith.

First and foremost, an idea that I find most intriguing is that God can be found by any one person simply by figuring out what God is not.  Neti, neti is what they call this activity in Hinduism.  Literally translated as "not this, not this."  The concept of simply deciphering what God is not in order to find out what he is intrigues me so much.

And what I love quite a bit is the idea that God is not some omniscient being that created all and can destroy all, but an infinite Being inside each of us.  Our spirit is God.  The way you become close to this infinite being is by getting rid of all finite things in your life that thicken the walls between the physical you and the infinite you.

Next to that is the idea which Hinduism teaches that all religions are equally valid.  As there are 4 paths in Hinduism to find God (through Knowledge, Love, Work, and Psychophysical Exercises) there must also be other paths as well.  Different religions are simply different paths to find the same God.  The Hindu book Vedas says "Truth is one; sages call it by different names."  Now how bout that?  A holy book that doesn't try breaking down other people's beliefs.  There's even this story about how Shiva approached a man who hated all deities but Shiva.  He told him that he would never be pleased with the man while he hates.  The man was stubborn so Shiva had to visit him many times.  On the final time, Shiva arrived in the form of half Vishnu and half Shiva.  The man took his offering and placed it towards the half that was Shiva.  Shiva gave up, saying, "this man's bigotry is incorrigible."  The point Shiva was trying to make was that He was all of the other Gods.  They are one and the same.

Then there's the question as to Why we exist in the world?  Response to that being:  You have the choice of withdrawing from the game of life.  The only answer that can be given is that the game is its own reward.

Regardless of your religious affiliations, these views are quite admirable.

Try being grateful for the world you live in because it is a reward to be living after all.

And start believing in yourself...in doing so, you may find that you do believe in God after all.

Love

Don't judge me, yes I'm going to blog about love.

No, I'm not going to talk about my relationships.

No, I'm not going to cry over past mistakes.

Yes, I am going to talk about love.

Love in my sense of the word that is.

Have you ever noticed that when people are in a relationship, they wait for forever to say "the L word" whereas best friends have no problem saying it right away?  (Have you also noticed that I use a lot of rhetorical questions to get you invested?)

I find that remarkably intriguing.  The fact that you want to hold off telling someone who could potentially be your life partner that you love them tells me that you have not made a good decision as to who you're with.  I personally don't believe you should be in a relationship with someone that you're not already comfortable to say "I love you" to.  I say I love you to the people I truly love in my life.  Girl friends, guy friends, family.  And I believe that I do genuinely love them.  So to me, I feel that it would be in my best interest to pick a mate from that group of people.  Why search for some stranger, hope to fall in love with him, and pray for something that won't hurt when all the while you have a corral of people that you have already accepted applications from, spent plenty of time interviewing, and already feel a connection with at your beck and whim?

I sort of blogged about this before when I was talking about how not wanting to be in a relationship with your best friend is foolish.  I'll elaborate a little extra on that by saying:  If you're afraid of ruining your friendship by starting a relationship that may end at some point then it's your friendship that needs some tuning up, not that you weren't right for each other.

I believe that we are given numerous soul mates throughout our lives.  Every person that we welcome in and choose to accept into our hearts, are our soul mates.  If they weren't our soul mate, then we would never have met!  It's like fate in a way.  That's what soul mates are after all.  They are people that you were fated to be with and so it is as such.

So how about spending a little time with your soul mates and start looking at them a little differently.  Who knows, you might even find something you never realized was sitting right in front of you.

Underwear?

Back in High School--when I was the editor of the school newspaper--a fellow journalist was taking a hit at answering a question for our Advice Column.  The advisee had mentioned feeling inadequate or unhappy with herself and inquired as to what she might be able to do so that boy's might start to like her.  The advisor in question proposed a response in which she would suggest simply buying new underwear.  At first, the staff was skeptical.  But I went ahead and let her go with it so that we could see what would come out of it.

I honestly have no recollection of what the outcome was, but I do recall contemplating the benefits of buying new underwear and how that could possibly increase confidence.  Thinking about it now, this is what I've come up with:

When you're down and out and feeling really crappy, just buy yourself a new pair of underwear and go from there.  The affect on your psyche will actually prove much more rewarding than you'd think.  The right pair vs. the wrong pair could do so much as make you feel like a seductress...or a worm.

When you have the wrong pair, you are uncomfortable.  You physically dislike the fabric covering your "secrets" and you are the only person who knows about them at that moment.  You take them out of your drawer, already knowing you don't like them, put them on and carry an unpleasant disposition for the rest of the day.  You set low expectations for yourself and what can come out of your day by choosing the wrong underwear and this adversely affects the way people will feel around you.

The right pair on the other hand can empower you.  When you get dressed in the morning, put on a pair of britches that make you look sexy, that hug your curves just the right way, or maybe accentuate a little something here and there.  For the rest of the day you will vibrate sex!  By choosing to embrace your own sexiness and admitting that "I am sexy, I don't have to try to be" you will carry with you an aire of seduction.  People will recognize the confidence that you have simply through the comfort you have gained in choosing the right pair.

This concept works similarly as the "mantra in the mirror" would.  By giving yourself positive energy, you will receive positive energy from the outside world.

In other words, you get what you give.

So why not get what you paid for and enjoy a good pair of underwear?

It's not like you'll get hurt...
Unless you want to ;-)

Why not?

"You have a Bible on your bedside table."

"Yes I do, it's my best friend's.  I keep forgetting to mail it back to her.  ...I like God."

"God isn't real."

PAUSE!

I'm sorry, you know what?  You kind of suck.  I'm tired of this ridiculous fascination with hating God.  Just because every other hipster in the world has a thing for Atheistic ideals doesn't mean that you have to follow suit and project what you read from "God is Not Great" onto me.  I may not be a very "Christian" person, but you want to know something?

I do believe in God.

And to me God is real.

Just as the idea of God not being real is completely valid in your mind, so reins the idea that he is real in my mind.  Because you have made the decision to trust in Philosophical readings by older men who have no desire to be anything more than just an infinitesimally small being in an ever-expanding universe, you will never believe in God.  And that is fine, because that is what you believe.  And what you believe is your reality.  That's the way this sort of thing works.

But because I have decided that I don't want to be a tiny atom in relation to the vast universe, I have chosen to believe that there is something bigger than me that isn't planetary.

You argue that God isn't real because there's no proof.  It's not like you can see him.

Well, how do you know air is real?  You can't see it.  Is "air" then too just a concept rather than a reality?

"No because you can feel air."

Well guess what, that's how I know God is real.  Because I can feel him.  Certain things simply could not be in the world if there was no God.  Allow me to quote Arthur Miller's "All My Sons" with this little tidbit:

"Certain things have to be, and certain things can never be.  Like the sun has to rise, it has to be.  That's why there's God.  Otherwise anything could happen.  But there's God, so certain things can never happen."

I don't live by some ideology of God presented to me by The Bible or the Torah or the Qur'an or The Chronicles of Narnia.  My God is an idea completely defined by my own notions out of the inability for a desire to live without a higher power.

I don't care what Prophets say about God.  I don't care what Christopher Hitchens says about God.  I don't care what Jesus Christ himself would say about God.  All I care about is the fact that in the reality I have chosen for myself, there is a God.  He is in my life.

I know he exists when I hear someone laugh.
I know he exists when I witness love.
I know he exists when I realize that of all the creatures on this planet, we are the only ones granted the gift of the lifestyle any man is capable of.

So go ahead, continue believing God is not real.  Because for you, it's true.  But for me, there is a God.

I will never ask you to believe in God.  So never tell me:

God is not real.

Welcome to the World!

Did you know that the sun actually shines during the day before 3pm?

Yea...I had no clue.  Apparently, sleeping isn't the only way you can spend your morning.

I woke up this morning and realized something:  The world is a freaking beautiful place!

There is so much stimulus all around us that we can take in at a moment's notice.  The smell of fresh winter air, the sight of the sun peaking from behind the clouds, the sounds of the city, the feel of the breeze on your skin, the taste of hot coffee in the morning.  All of it is marvelous!

I have spent my entire winter break either getting up extremely late or just sitting inside all day.  I'm not a bear!  I don't need to hibernate!  I need to get out there and enjoy the world.

You know what happened when I braved the world and allowed myself to explore before 3pm?

I got a job interview at Starbucks.

That's right!  I complained about being unemployed earlier and thanks to my own positive thinking and desire for adventure, I have found myself a positively potential job.

Not only that, but I had a voice lesson today and it was fabulous!  New music day is always the best day of class.  Today I was assigned "Everything Happens to Me," "Come Up to My Office," and "It's Hard to Speak My Heart."  Wonderful songs and quite contrasting as well.  How can you not be excited with your life when everything is working on the upswing?

Positive energy really does work wonders!

I started this new thing where I wouldn't let anything get me down.  I would stay positive no matter what.  Considering that I used to be a very negative person, the transition sucked.  I was seeing so much negativity that I surrounded myself with.  I was buried in the negative energies of people around me because I fed off of it.  But now that I have positive energy, all of the negative happenings just roll right off of me.

And I honestly believe that my positive outlook has been beneficial to those around me as well.

So why don't you give it a try?

Start with one conscious decision to avoid negativity in a specific circumstance and see how that feels.

Trust me, you'll want to do it over and over again!

I must confess: I'm a Thinker

Think for yourself.
Develop your own ideas and don't be afraid to share them with others.
Be able to defend your decisions.
Understand the consequences of your actions.
Be free to choose as you see fit what to believe and what to say.
Don't let someone try to shut you down.
If you know you are correct then don't let someone else change that.

Consider the possibility that you may be wrong.  Once you understand both sides of the situation, you can truly figure out which position to take.

If your director wants you to do something that you see as inappropriate for the production, then let it be known.  Develop your argument and present it in order to defend your position.  In a Professional Theatre I do believe that there is a private time and place in which it is more beneficial to have such discourse, but Community Theatre is an open forum.  The focus is on the community.  You can't have that sort of a production without the group effort.

As the director in this situation, don't let your actors feel inadequate.  Don't make them feel defeated when you don't want to open your mind to admitting your own flaws.  You may be slightly higher on the pay scale, but you are in no way superior to the actors you're working with.  The key phrase in that is "working with."  All parts of the production team are equal.  Knowing that and allowing equality to stay strong in your team will lead to a very well-balanced company that will run silky smooth with very few snags.

As a thinker, develop your tact.  Know when and how to say what you need to say.  As a director, know how not to make your actors feel delinquent.  As an actor, know how not to make your director feel undermined.  As a person, know how not to make others feel inferior.

Think clearly, think concise, and think for yourself.  Ask questions.  Challenge opinions.  Intellectualize a situation and come up with the best solution after analyzing all possibilities.

Not only will you benefit from your intellectual growth, but so will everyone else when the world decides to open its mind to new ideas.

Forward and progressive thought is the key to world peace.
That's how strong it is.

Get Whipped into Shape

To exercise, or not to exercise.  That is the question.

Often we find that the motivation necessary for a trip to the gym very seldom arrives when desired.  We fear exhaustion and physical soreness and therefore avoid or put off the inevitable.  We eat that extra donut telling ourselves that we'll work it off later, but we never actually get around to it.  The cause of this is quite simple.

We are not exercising for the right reasons.

Ask as many people as you'd like and you will find that the majority of the populace works out so that they can look a specific way.  They find that if their physical appearance fits what they desire, then they'll feel accomplished.  Because this person is already unhappy with himself, he rarely gets the results he hopes for without pushing too hard.

Exercising should not be about becoming beautiful.  You have to realize that you are already there.  You have to be happy with yourself and decide that you want to work your body for a different reason.

Exercise because you want the body that has taken care of you for the past few years to keep on running as best as it can.  Stay fit and in shape because you want to be healthy, not because you want to "look good" in that bathing suit.

Your body can only do so much on its own.  It is your vehicle.  Much like how you have to stay up to date with tune-ups and oil changes, if you don't work on your body and keep it running up to par then it will shut down on you without warning.

Once you embrace this idea you'll learn that the results from your exercises will become much more rewarding.  You'll be happier with yourself when you realize that you are keeping yourself healthy.  And in keeping yourself healthy, you will start to love your body more and will see that you "look good" no matter what.

So stop pumping iron just to see if you can bench press 500 pounds.  There's no practical reason to work toward that goal.  Instead, see if you can run 5 miles under 30 minutes without passing out.  It doesn't matter how strong you are if you have no endurance to fall back on.  Your body needs endurance to continue running for as many years as you would like.

Do:
Eat well because you want to be healthy.
Exercise because you want to be healthy.
Live well because you want to be healthy.

Don't:
Motivate yourself with shallow reasons.
Compare your body with someone else's.
Dislike the way you are.

Love your body as best you can and it will not disappoint you.

Hiccup!

I seethe you Mister Hiccup!
My goal in life is to defeat you.
You hurt me.
This is not nice.
I hope you realize the pain you cause.
You are unruly.
This must change.
You are a mean girl!
I hate you!
You shall not pass!
You are going to be my demise Mister Hiccup!
I must not be defeated by the likes of you.
Alright...you are a worthy adversary.
You are an opponent I cannot best!
THIS IS NO GOOD!
I shall fight fire with fire!
DAMN!
I don't know how you work in the first place!
How do I defeat something I don't understand?
You suck!
You are still here!
My friend, you have outstayed your welcome.
Please leave.
You have reached your word quota for the evening.
...I loathe you...
Fine!
If I cannot beat you, I shall embrace you!
...I hate you.

You call that a relationship?

You guys don't do anything but fight.

Every time I meet up with you separately, you're on the phone with your boyfriend and he's nagging your ear off while you have somehow managed to place the phone somewhere completely out of earshot.

You complain about each other.

You wish you had freedom.

You come to me for what he can't give you.

Really?  And your excuse is "The love is there, somewhere."

I'm sorry, but don't pull that bullshit with me.  You hate sleeping with your boyfriend because he has the libido of a rock and does nothing but complain about the heat in your house when it falls below 70 degrees.  You tell me how much better I am than him.  You confide in me because I am more understanding.  You and I have never gotten into a fight and every moment we spend together is worthwhile.

So why am I still the one that is left by the roadside, single and alone?  I hear people say, "We're just really good friends.  I don't want to mess that up by changing the relationship."  MESS WHAT UP?!  Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship with a really good, understanding, cute friend who knows how to satisfy you over a boring, nagging, selfish guy that you dove into things with before thinking anything through?  I know I would!  I don't see anything wrong with being in a relationship with your best friend, in fact I think it might be more beneficial.

Even if you don't come around, I'm going to let you know these things:

I will always be here for you, no matter what.
I love you and I know you love me, because somehow when it's you and I we have no problem saying the "L" word.
Though I will be here for you, that doesn't mean I'll wait around.
Someday, you'll see what you missed out on.

And if you're the boyfriend in this situation reading this blog, don't hate me.  I didn't do anything wrong.  I'm simply picking up on the slack that you leave behind.  Maybe you should have a talk with your partner about monogamy.  Even so...

You're a lot luckier than you think.

Don't "Hey Girl!" Me

Girls that call their gays "girls," and gays that refer to themselves the same are absolutely out of line.  There's this thing called gender.  Now...contrary to popular belief, although you may like being banged the same way a girl does this doesn't make you a female equivalent.  You have a dick.  Please acknowledge that.  I'm not asking you to butch it up to the extent of doing nothing but pumping iron and crushing beer cans on your forehead, but try not spitting skittles when you talk and shitting Prada when you walk.

Is it just me or has the idea of "gay" gotten completely out of hand?  A long time ago "gay" was this rugged thing, an intellectual state of being.  When anyone thought of gay, the first thing that came to mind was two strong men together.  Where has that vision gone?  I don't want to think of a newly 18-year old twink every time someone mentions homosexuality.  Hell, I'd rather not think about twinks ever.

There's a point when you need to realize that you are more than what you sleep with.  You can be something else before you're gay.  Nobody really cares who or what you sleep with unless they want to sleep with you.  And nobody wants to sleep with you when there's no intrigue as to who you are.

I am an intellectual.  I am an actor.  I am a singer.  I am a dancer.  I am a writer.  I am a chef.  I am a photographer.  I am a lover.  I am a cleaner.  I am a man.  I won't tell you if I'm gay because I don't have to.  That's not part of who I am.  Who or what I sleep with does not define me as a person.

The fact that I'm a loyal friend is what defines me.

The fact that I love the simple things defines me.

The fact that I have no problem looking you in the face and telling you never to call me a girl again...

That defines me.

Don't do "the sexy"...

So you meet someone new.  You talk and all you can think about is how cute he is.  You admire his pecs while he tells you about his audition for So You Think You Can Dance.  You stare at his cute synthetically altered blue eyes that are currently green for the night.

The night goes on, you have some drinks.  Things get a little heated.  Next thing you know, you guys are making out as you sit on your friend's lap.  You guys move to the kitchen, he pins you up against the wall and ravages your lips.

Did...did he just growl in my ear?  Um...ok, let's ignore that.

"Who'd you come here with?"

You're going to ask me that now?  After a good half hour of a make-out session?  Whatever.  "Nobody.  My roommate dropped me off."

"I'm going to fuck the shit out of you."

Ew...do you realize how gross that kind of sounds?  That's not cute...don't say that again.

"Do you have anywhere private we can go?"

...we're at someone else's house.  "No, I don't.  I don't do hookups anyways."

What's wrong with just wanting to make out with someone?  I don't feel like having sex with every guy I meet.  Sometimes just kissing is a fun enough experience for me.

Did he just growl again?  Ugh...ok, I don't know about everyone else, but I'm pretty sure you don't get orgasms from touching someone's arm.  So why the hell is he moaning up a storm?

This is just annoying.  He's totally doing "the sexy."  He's trying to be as sexy as he can.  Don't do that around me!  I can see the fake right through your colored contacts.

You know what I find sexy:  Being yourself.  Not trying to overcompensate with your life by telling me about your latest show on Broadway.  I know for a fact that you've never danced on Broadway so calm the hell down.  Lie's are not sexy.  Being "sexy" is not sexy.

Sexy is being awkward.

Sexy is dropping a frying pan and calling all attention at a party to you and the guy you're with.

Sexy is telling me that I'm cute, not that you will fuck the feces out of me.

Sexy is being interested.

Sexy is laughing.

Sexy is being yourself.

Sexy is letting me tell you that I don't want to have a hookup and you acknowledging that and respecting my decision so as not to put anyone else involved in an awkward position.  

That is sexy.  I want that guy.

And I don't think I'm going to find him in you...

Just a regular day...

Ok, the following exchange occurred inside a grocery store between a stuffed bear and myself.  Enjoy:

ME:  *Notices bear*  Press me?  Ok!  *press*
BEAR:  *teddy bear voice*  I like you!
ME:  *Running*  I'm not ready for a commitment!
FRIEND:  *Falls to floor laughing*

You really can't make this shit up...My life is full of the dumbest, funniest, weirdest things.

-At the Gym-
FRIEND:  So he says he's not sleeping with the new boo just yet.  But he did let me know that handsies and blowsies were still in full effect.
ME:  Well that's good.
FRIEND:  Yea.  You want headsies?
ME:  Um...excuse me?  Did you just offer me oral sex?
FRIEND:  Oh my god!  No.  Haha, I meant headphones.  You can plug them in to the treadmill and listen to the TV...
ME:  Oh...um, sure.  Awkward...
FRIEND:  Loves it.

These moments just come out of no where.  I'm not sure if they're bouts of simple stupidity or if they really are moments of inspiration that God is trying to give me saying something along the lines of:  CARRY A CAMERA!  This shit would make a great sitcom!  God, of course, having the voice of Morgan Freeman because I can't think of him sounding any other way anymore. 

Oh god...then there's this one:

ME:  This tastes really bad...can you check the expiration date?
FRIEND:  Sure...Oh my god?
ME:  Let me guess, they expired in 2006.
FRIEND:  ...how could you tell?
ME:  BECAUSE THEY TASTE 3 YEARS OLD!  UGH!  I'm pretty sure they have fermented and now have alcoholic properties...

On the phone:

ME:  Hey.
FRIEND:  Hi, what's going on?
ME:  ...are you eating Peanut Butter and Jelly?
FRIEND:  How did you know that?
ME:  I can hear it in your voice.

Moments like this remind me how wonderful life is.  Thank you world for giving me such great friends!

I Sing!

I didn't blog yesterday, so I'm going to blog twice today.  Don't judge me.  I may even set one of these blogs to publish under yesterday's date because I'm obsessive compulsive.  Who knows?  I'm just spontaneous like that! Anyways, here we go.

I sing.  Very basic statement, but it's true:  I sing.  And so should you.  I was walking through Providence today listening to my iPod (Thanks little Brother!) and as my ears are being filled with the sounds of Jay Brannan, Rascal Flatts, Adele, VV Brown, and the cast of Next To Normal, I was submerged in the desire to burst out and sing.  Then I thought..."you know what?  Why not?  Do it!"  So I'm walking and I start singing...extremely quietly...I stop.

That sucks!  Why is it that we are somehow stopped from doing the things we want to do simply because they are not commonly accepted by other people?  If I want to burst out in song, I should be able to do it.  If I want to do a tap number at the bus station, dammit I should!  If more people sang while walking, the world would be such a more beautiful place.  Even if they don't sing well!  Who cares?!  I don't expect you to belt and riff Defying Gravity while walking down Atwell's Avenue, but what is the worst that could come of trying it out?  So what if you don't sound great, people will definitely join in with you if they know the song.  Who knows, you might even come up with some really hot harmonies.

We sing when we are filled with so much energy that speaking alone just won't cut it.  And we dance when even that doesn't work.  So embrace the energies within your body, harness them.  You could become the next star if you just gave it a whirl, what could it hurt?  There is art in each and every one of us, that's a gift we get for being human.  We have the ability to create art...  Isn't that something worth exploring?

So I say, Do it!  I'll quote Nike:  Just do it!  Get it?  DO IT!

Things you should know.

I have not been dancing since I was 6 years old so my extension isn't that great.
I can put my leg over my shoulder though, so that should make up for it.
 I love eating junk food and I can't stand the taste of most healthy foods.
 I don't know how to play the guitar and I would never claim to, although I have an acoustic and an electric waiting to be learned on.
 My kitten is probably cuter than yours.
 I'm smarter than you think.
 I do have a heart, somewhere.
 I love the color green, I would have no problem wearing a green jumpsuit.
 I don't like eating steak because it is so good that I never want to stop chewing it.
 Eating exhausts me.
 I'm very sensitive to certain smells because they bring up a lot of memories.
 I'm never satisfied.
 I'm a great shoulder to lean on because I won't be afraid to push you off when you need it.
 I am slightly vain, my lips are just so pretty.
 I get addicted to video games quicker than anyone I know.
 I'm one of the most honest people you will ever meet, and some people have given me a hard time because of it.
 I wish I were a tenor.
 I have random Obsessive-Compulsive traits.
 I had nothing better to be blogging about right now.
 I have solved a Rubik's Cube on accident and never figured out how to do it again.
 I love listening to Jay Brannan and harmonizing with him.
 I would never claim to be perfect.
 I have wonderful friends that help me stay on my feet.
 I have a beautiful family that made me who I am today.
 I never give up, which can be tough at times.
 I have loved.
 I have lost.
 I have learned.
 I have experienced life to the best of my abilities and I regret nothing.
 I love Disney movies.
 I have a very warm body.
 I will welcome you into my life with open arms.
 I have nothing better to say right now but I wanted to blog so there you go.
 What have you done lately?

Planes, Trains, or Automobiles?

After a wonderful roller coaster of a visit with my family for two weeks, I am finally on my way back home to good old Rhode Island (sarcasm noted).  Considering that I love traveling by train, I figure I might as well do something to pass the time.  How about blogging?  Of course!

I was talking to my mom the other day about plane travel vs. train travel and figured, “You know what, why not?  Blog it.”

So you have planes.  They fly quickly and get you to your destination on time.  They also have nice (sometimes) stewards and stewardesses to offer you food and beverage.  How sweet?  Ok…aside from that is there any benefit?

I say NO!  Let’s say you travel from, I don’t know, Rhode Island to Virginia.  A roundtrip ticket for that would run at least 200 bucks.  If bought last minute due to emergencies, we’re talking 400 here.  So you’ve just paid between 200 and 400 dollars to be crammed inside a pickle jar of smelly people that are way too close to you and who won’t stop breathing on you as they sleep.  Your ears are popping like crazy and you can’t even hear your own thoughts.  The air is remarkably dry and, let’s face it, you’re going to try holding your bowel movement as long as possible because you don’t want to be the guy who set off a bomb in the cabin.  On TOP of that, you have the ridiculous stress people go through for airport security!  “Yes, I know my dildo looks like a gun on the X-ray screen.  I’m sorry, but so would your erect penis as long as you have these idiots watching the screen.”  “Remove my…what?  Shoes?  Wait…why?  If there’s any metal in them, wouldn’t they go off while I’m walking through the metal detector?  And if your metal detectors don’t pick up the steel used in crafting my body piercings, then what makes you think the chimpanzee watching the screen can figure out what that speck is in my shoe?  It’s iron by the way.  I soldered the tip of my shoe, just to piss you off.” 

AND THEN there’s the hassle of checking bags!  Ok, let me wait in line for approximately forever to let you tell me that my bag is one pound overweight and that I have to pay an extra “Heavy” fee.  Um…if we could apply that concept to real life, your ass would be racking up quite a debt in “heavy” fees if you know what I mean.  After all is said and done at the Check-In, passengers are now just running the risk of…hmm…maybe or maybe not actually getting their bags flown to the same location as where they’re going.  If I wanted to play Russian Roulette, I would have packed a gun, just saying. 

Now on the other hand, the right hand of course (right as in correct, I have nothing against left-handed passengers.  All are welcome.), you have trains.

Awww, trains.  Good, old-fashioned, simple method of travel.  No bother with taxiing on a runway for hours because someone spilled Juicy Juice on the track.  Nothing of the sort.  Just, “All Aboard!” and we’re off.  It may take you a little bit longer to get to your destination, but it’s also much cheaper than that god-awful plane ride you just experienced.  A one-way ticket from Providence, RI to Newport News, VA costs as little as 60 bucks if bought in advance.  Because the ticket prices of the train don’t really change like they do on planes, you can get a roundtrip ticket for only 120 smackers.  If bought the day of the trip, the one way ticket is only 150 dollars.  If you buy both of those tickets on the day of your trip, they’ll cost you 300 bucks max.  Already 100 dollars cheaper than that emergency plane ride.  I think we get the point that trains are cheaper than planes so I’ll move on to the next point:

YOU CAN USE YOUR CELL PHONE!  You can sit on a train for the entire length of the trip and never not be talking to someone you know!  How awesome is that?  You can text your heart out, you can tell your mother you love her and thanks for reminding you to put the pecans in your bag (don’t ask).  You can browse the web if you so happen to have mobile web access (Which most Verizon Wireless customers can get unlimited for a very reasonable price.  J  Gratuitous product placement, BINK!)!  “Now what do I do when my battery dies?”  Well I’m glad you asked, because most Amtrak trains are equipped with two 120 volt outlets next to every pair of seats for you to plug whatever your heart desires into, providing you with hours of energy! 

Now, although the train doesn’t have a cute steward (that you pray will help you get into the mile-high club), it does have a snack car.  You can order whatever you want and maybe even hit up the sexy bartender while you’re there.  On top of that, you never run the risk of having to sit “bitch” between two fat strangers while flying at top speeds.  Nor do you have to stay buckled into a restraint that was built for a skeleton.  “But seatbelts save lives,” you say.  Um…what are you going to hit while on the train that is going to send you careening from your seat into a deadly frenzy of flailing limbs?  The train is on a one way track that nobody else can travel…I’m pretty sure you’re all set.

And Oh, Em, Gee…you can pack whatever the hell you want because you don’t have to check baggage!  You keep it with you the entire time, nobody touches it but you, and inside you can practically line the bag with goodies that a plane would not permit.  And I’m not even talking illegal shit here.  I mean you can bring water bottles, booze, a full roll of toothpaste that doesn’t have to sit inside a plastic bag!

Even if smuggling illegal junk is your fancy, how fortunate for you that there still exists a mode of reliable transportation that will cater to your needs.  I had a few friends who were going on vacation to DC and they were pretty disappointed because they had just bought some Paka Lolo (google it), but couldn’t bring it on the plane.  If only I had written this blog sooner, those two would have been having the best drug-induced time of their lives.  All thanks to…trains!

So:  Planes, trains, or automobiles? 

You decide.

I have.  ;-)

Keep it happy keep it snappy. :-)

And since i can't leave you with a ballad, Here's something to lighten the mood. Enjoy. :-) i made them!

Unfortunately unemployed...

Since i'm trying to write at least once a day, here we go. The thing boggling my mind today is my own personal inability to be able to get a job in rhode island. I have been unemployed since july and it is simply uncalled for. I'm not even talking about the stressful life of finding a theatre job as an actor...i'm talking simple parttime burger flipper. I've been applying for jobs for six months now and i haven't had so much as a nibble. It's astounding to me that someone with certification in all microsoft products, a typing speed of 90 words per minute, barista, cashier, customer service, and bookstore experience can be passed up for a simple job. It's simply unfair that those that blow their money on recreational drug use are better off than someone like me who can barely buy food. Your thoughts are appreciated.

Confusion of Biblical Proportion

I'm going through the Bible (which I rarely do because it simply annoys the hell out of me to read the ignorance of men before my time writing their version of "hearsay" from a higher power) and I come across this little diddy in Leviticus chapter 18:


6 None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the LORD.
7 The nakedness of thy father, or the nakedness of thy mother, shalt thou not uncover: she is thy mother; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.
8 The nakedness of thy father's wife shalt thou not uncover: it is thy father's nakedness.
9 The nakedness of thy sister, the daughter of thy father, or daughter of thy mother, whether she be born at home, or born abroad, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover.
10 The nakedness of thy son's daughter, or of thy daughter's daughter, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover: for theirs is thine own nakedness.
11 The nakedness of thy father's wife's daughter, begotten of thy father, she is thy sister, thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.
12 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's sister: she is thy father's near kinswoman.
13 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister: for she is thy mother's near kinswoman.
14 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's brother, thou shalt not approach to his wife: she is thine aunt.
15 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy daughter in law: she is thy son's wife; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.
16 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy brother's wife: it is thy brother's nakedness.
17 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a woman and her daughter, neither shalt thou take her son's daughter, or her daughter's daughter, to uncover her nakedness; for they are her near kinswomen: it is wickedness.
18 Neither shalt thou take a wife to her sister, to vex her, to uncover her nakedness, beside the other in her life time.
19 Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness.

Ok...some of these, completely understandable.  19: Don't get down and dirty with a nasty lady...yea we've all experienced that one, we know not to do that again.  But as for the rest...WTF Mate?!  I'm sure there is some deeper meaning to your context of "uncovering nakedness," but as far as I recall didn't the big guy in the sky put us on the Earth in the Garden of Eden completely nude in the first place?  And if it was due to our follies as man that we even realized we were nude in the first place, then wouldn't it follow that to be more "Godly" would be to wipe away all reservations with nudity itself?  Leaving it as "just another thing" in our lives.

As a people we put too much reverence in certain aspects of our lives or give too much meaning to something that should be otherwise meaningless.  We all have nude bodies!  Surprise!

What brings me to this point is a few conversations I've had with fellow Actors my age.  If your daughter wants to participate in a production where her nude body is used to represent liberation from the requirements of an inhumane government, don't call her worthless!  Embrace her ability to make her own decisions.  If your school has a body of students that want to produce shows that happen to have nudity, LET THEM!  If there is any place where trying something new and expanding the intellectual capacities of those involved is ever appropriate, it is in the University setting.  I am sick of hearing about schools that would "Never do that show, there's too much fowl language" or "Not do that show, we can't let our students see nudity."  By doing this, by forcing your Theatre students to only experience your idea of "kitchen-sink" theatre you are completely stunting their artistic growth and giving them no understanding of the true principles of theatre in itself.  How can you create art when you haven't experienced it?

So I say: do something you've never done.  Try something you've never tried.  Experience your life for everything it can possibly hold and enjoy as much of it as possible.

Will you get hurt, probably.

Will you come out stronger and better for it in the end?

...Absolutely.

Obnoxious dream!

So anyone who was following my twitter would have seen that it took me forever to get to sleep last night.  I told myself I would get to bed before 4am, and I did!  I just could not fall asleep until past 5:30!  What the crap, right?!  Anyways, after finally getting to sleep my mom starts talking to me and asks me to do dishes and such as she's leaving for work.  I'm surprised I remember that much considering the attempt of taking in information while still pretty much chasing brownies through a field is damn near impossible.  Anyways, I set my alarm for 10:30.  Sounds good.  Alarm goes off...snooze.  10:35...off.  Still sleeping...

I CAN'T WAKE UP BECAUSE I'M DREAMING THAT SOMEONE STOLE MY PANTS!  And nobody around wants to help me find them!  Not to mention, I'm walking around in the rain outside with nothing but a pullover on!  Could not wake up...

Finally some time past noon hits and I get up and do the dishes.  I know, anticlimactic, sorry.  :-\

Anyways, today is my Dad's 46th birthday so I'm happy to finally be around for it.  Unlike all of the other family birthdays and gatherings I've missed due to me living up in RI.  I think my mom bought him a shotgun...wouldn't be my first choice as a birthday gift, but hey, it's not my birthday!

Well, I've given you my daily update so enjoy yours while I live mine.  :-)  Take care and feel free to comment/follow me/love me/check out my website at http://adrianocabral.weebly.com

Peace, Love, and Chicken Grease!

Food for thought...or just to eat!

So there's this play called Mambo Italiano.  Hilarious play, great movie, you should watch it and read it.  Anyways, I was recently in it with a good friend and her character "Anna" had a great monologue about how people only eat to sustain their energy.  There is no art in food anymore.  


I would like to elaborate on that concept and express how eating to sustain energy is partially the reason our country is overweight.  When grabbing food on the go simply to sustain energy, we don't think about what is going into our body.  We scarf down countless calories and practically pure fat and oil.  One of the quickest ways to lose weight is to eat slower.  So it connects that by eating quickly on the go, you would gain weight.  I could go on for hours banging into your head how important it is to eat for pleasure as well as necessity, but I'll leave it with this:  "Eat.  Don't starve yourself, but eat.  Enjoy it, and take your time."


I thank my mom for reminding me that there truly is still art in food.  Over the past few days she has made pasta with italian bacon and sausage, honey ham, chicken chili, and fried rice.  Day after day without a break.  Coming home from a full day of work, to start a full night of cooking and cleaning.  I am definitely grateful for having her in my life.  She's the best mom in the world, you should be jealous.  


So there you have it.  I eat well because I actually EAT.  And my mom is awesome!  Hope all is well and I'll catchya later!  Peace!

Addicted!

Hi, my name is Adriano Cabral, and I am an addict.
There, I've said it.  I'm an addict.  I cannot stop updating my website.  Or checking it to see if, I don't know, somehow it magically changed layout on me?  It's a problem so that is why I have joined BA- Blogger's Anonymous.  Thank you for your continued support.


Now that I have that off my chest, here's a little story of what us actors have to go through:


Last night I received a voice mail from my aunt.
"Hi Adi.  I just talked to this guy about you and I told him you were an actor in Rhode Island.  Call <Guy's Name> at <this number> and tell him Joey referred you.  He's in charge of acting in NYC.  Love you, bye!"


Yea...oddly vague, no?  Aside from the obvious errors in this message, the first thing I could think was "Jesus...my aunt is involving me with the mafia.  The Theatre mafia no less...they have techies and makeup artists that can make anything look like an accident!"

So of course, I call the poor guy.

GUY:  "Hello?"
ME:  "Hi, <Guy's name>?"
GUY:  "Yea."
ME:  "Hi, my name is Adriano Cabral.  My aunt gave me your number, she told me to call you.  I'm an actor in Providence, RI.  Joey referred you."  (holy word vomit)
GUY:  "What?"
ME:  "My aunt said she met you and talked to you about me.  She said I should call you.  She told me you were referred by Joey...she didn't really tell me what to talk about once I got you on the phone however..."
GUY:  "What's your aunt's name?"
ME:  "<Aunt's Name>."
GUY:  "I'm sorry...I don't know your aunt.  But that doesn't mean we can't talk.  I'm in the office right now though, so let me call you when I have the time.  What's your name?"
ME:  "Adriano Cabral."
GUY:  "Andriawno Cabral.  C-a-b-r-a-l?"
ME:  "Yes sir."
GUY:  "Wow, first try.  What's your phone number?"
ME:  "401-555-5555"
GUY:  "Ok, I will give you a call when I can."
ME:  "Thank you very much sir, and sorry for bothering you like this."
GUY:  "Don't worry about it, I just can't talk at the office.  I'll be in touch.  Have a good day."
ME:  "You too, have a great day, and thanks again."
GUY:  "Bye."
ME:  "Bye."


Can I go vomit now?  Please.  That was the most awkward telephone situation I had ever been in.  Why couldn't he just screen my call and let it go to voice mail?!  That's what I was expecting. That's why I was so taken aback when there was a real voice responding to me!


Suffice to say, I interrupted a 50 year old man at work to accuse him of meeting my aunt and offering to be a contact.  If I were able to google him in the first place and shoot an e-mail, then none of this awkward stuff would have happened.  Everyone should be GOOGLABLE!!


Not much I can do at this point but wait.  In better news, it's supposed to snow tonight in VA so that means my mom will be making chili.  Woot!

Down to the Nitty Gritty...

Man...who knew that developing a website could be such a piece of work.  Well anyways, most of what I want to be on this site is finally up and running.  I'm working on learning how to update my blog via cell phone right now...suffice to say, this techno mumbo jumbo is confusing.  


Well, since I'm supposed to be hanging out with my family for this winter break I should let you go.  Happy browsing and I hope to hear from you!

New Year, New Site, New Blog!

So, here it is!  I have finally decided to make a website for myself.  This was kind of a fun experience to be perfectly honest with you.  However, the fact that no spell-check will ever acknowledge that my last name is spelled correctly tends to get on my nerves.  Especially considering that they allow other random words to go unmarked by their evil squiggly red line of oppression...


Nevertheless, it is my site!  It's cute, no?  :-)