Left Behind

What do you do when the thing that brings you the most joy also causes immense pain?  When the love that you feel makes you hate yourself?

Trust me when I say that the ultimate sacrifice for love is letting go and leaving your heart behind.

It's been a while now since I've made the conscious decision not to love the one man I love more than any other.  When you don't believe in love at first sight and are proved wrong by the emotions that one person provokes in you how can you expect an easy rebound?

This has been really hard for me.  I've lost a good friend who showed me just how little I can be valued.  I've wasted months of emotional torment.  I've lost hope in the world around me and what it has in store.  I don't trust that good things can come my way because I whole-heartedly believe that I have one of the best things life can give me dangling in front of my eyes and I can't see beyond him.

Somebody hold me too close...somebody hurt me too deep...somebody show me that at the end of the day, I am a wonderful last sight before slumber.

I want to go back to high school...where a relationship was based on how many times you text each other and how many hickies you have to hide before school.

I
Want
To
Love
Again

I know that what I have now is better than a "boyfriend."  What I have is a best friend, and those really don't come that often.  I realize that I'm blessed with numerous best friends and that could possibly be the reason why I want this new applicant to become something more.

Something that he'll never be.

And that's something I know and understand and still can't comprehend.

This brain of mine is a stupid place, loaded with burnt memories and singed experiences.  It's hard now to make out the building blocks of who I am today.  And believe me, it's pretty hard to build a me of tomorrow when I can't remember what the foundation looked like.

I want to regain my intellect.

I want to write again.

I want to make art and follow my dreams and succeed.

I want these things that are so easily in my grasp and I want someone to carry them with me.

The greatest thing I want to learn...is just to love, and to be loved in return.

Good night.