Coming Back

I wish I could tell you that I was making a fabulous comeback.

I wish that I could say I got the old crew back together to create a limited engagement performance.

I wish I could show you that everything was ok in my world.

I wish I could do these things, but then I'd be lying.

I have made a lot of discoveries, changed my world views, learned new concepts, grown as a person.  I am not the same Adi that I was a year ago, or two years ago.  In fact, I'm not the same Adi that I was one millisecond ago.  Every particle of my body has changed from the moment I began writing this.  Not a single part of me is constant.  None of us.

This is stupid and very existential, I know.

You can probably guess that I'm currently a little upset.

And for the most basic reason.

Yet again

I've been called a "faggot" from a passing car.

Within 10 minutes of walking out of a theatre, into a campus filled with sports fans parading the Homecoming Game at ASU, a car drove in front of me and a passenger leaned out of the window and simply called me a faggot.  At least they're not yelling anymore...but it's still annoying.

Now, I'm not the kind of person that has a problem with the word faggot.  I am a gay man.  Calling me a faggot is almost the same thing as calling me a human.  My sexual orientation is part of my identity, so yes, I am a faggot.  But do you really have to go out of your way to lean out of your car to remind me of your disapproval of the way I live my life.

Normally this would just pass.  I'd laugh at the word and keep going.  Maybe offer you a cookie for stating the obvious.  But what really upset me is that, right after leaving the restaurant where I ate my early dinner alone, another car did the exact same thing.

What is with this fetish of making these annoying obnoxious statements from passing cars?

I won't understand.

I'm the kind of guy that rolls down his window and calls "Great dress!" or turns as someone rides the skateboard by me and says "I like your shoes!" or compliments my students on their haircuts.

Why is it that our world is so devoid of positive encouragement and words of kindness?

We are stuck in this place where the only time words affect us, are when they're negative.

We are used to this negativity and accept it as a norm.

I don't want that to be the case.

I charge you to go out and compliment someone, a complete stranger.  Make their day.  Make them smile.  It's contagious.  Their smile will make you smile which will make bystanders who observe the exchange smile.

Be nice.

Speak well.

Enjoy life.

And share the happiness that we all deserve.

That's all.

Vlog 2: Need You Now

I did it!  I made my second vlog!  Enjoy!

Procrastination!!

SO...My mother suggested that I start a vlog with me singing songs that are specific to the day that I have had.  Because I haven't blogged in forever and I would love to jump back in with something fun, I'm gonna go ahead and turn this blogspot into my own little Musical Vlog!

One From The Vaults

I haven't posted in forever, so I figured I'd throw this little diddy at you.  I don't want to write yet because I'm bottling up for something great, so in the meantime please enjoy:

To do-to feel-to see-to have-to live-to laugh-to love.

Each action created in the attempt to reach the other.

We do in order to feel. 

And feel so that we may see. 

We see what we want to have and what we have helps us live.

We live so that we may laugh and we laugh so that someday we can be offered the opportunity to love.

Don't run from the knock at the door, it's your chance to step behind the wheel.  Drive wherever you choose and stop when you please. 

It's your life, you've chosen it. 

Now live it.

Live it with no fears and grab whatever your heart desires along the way. 

Find a lover and cherish his being.

Not because he cherishes you but because he deserves what you want to give him.

Discover his soul and listen to the soundtrack of his body. 

Play the blues on his lips.  Scat to his fingertips. 

Hip hop to the whip of his hip and lose yourself in his rhythm.

Strum the strings that make his heart, try the jazz of his eyes for start. 

Spread his lips, make them part, and tango with his tongue. 

Teach him the beat, shuffle your feet, he'll return the favor and your song will be complete.

Every moment you see him your eyes light up.  It's the middle of the day and you're seeing stars.  He takes you places you've only imagined.

He's unlocking your cage and you can fly away, but where to go when all you know is he won't be there with you. 

Take your time, take plenty of his. 

When the two of you are ready, fly away together!

Left Behind

What do you do when the thing that brings you the most joy also causes immense pain?  When the love that you feel makes you hate yourself?

Trust me when I say that the ultimate sacrifice for love is letting go and leaving your heart behind.

It's been a while now since I've made the conscious decision not to love the one man I love more than any other.  When you don't believe in love at first sight and are proved wrong by the emotions that one person provokes in you how can you expect an easy rebound?

This has been really hard for me.  I've lost a good friend who showed me just how little I can be valued.  I've wasted months of emotional torment.  I've lost hope in the world around me and what it has in store.  I don't trust that good things can come my way because I whole-heartedly believe that I have one of the best things life can give me dangling in front of my eyes and I can't see beyond him.

Somebody hold me too close...somebody hurt me too deep...somebody show me that at the end of the day, I am a wonderful last sight before slumber.

I want to go back to high school...where a relationship was based on how many times you text each other and how many hickies you have to hide before school.

I
Want
To
Love
Again

I know that what I have now is better than a "boyfriend."  What I have is a best friend, and those really don't come that often.  I realize that I'm blessed with numerous best friends and that could possibly be the reason why I want this new applicant to become something more.

Something that he'll never be.

And that's something I know and understand and still can't comprehend.

This brain of mine is a stupid place, loaded with burnt memories and singed experiences.  It's hard now to make out the building blocks of who I am today.  And believe me, it's pretty hard to build a me of tomorrow when I can't remember what the foundation looked like.

I want to regain my intellect.

I want to write again.

I want to make art and follow my dreams and succeed.

I want these things that are so easily in my grasp and I want someone to carry them with me.

The greatest thing I want to learn...is just to love, and to be loved in return.

Good night.

Writing Again

Well...it's definitely been a while.  Instead of filling you in on all the things in my life that you've missed, I'd like to leave you with something I've written recently.  I could explain it to you, but I'll just let you read it.  I hope you like:

Swing sets and merry-g-rounds.  These are our challenges.  How high can you swing, how fast can you spin?  These are our accomplishments.  Our happiness is measured in moments like these where the world is our own and nothing can stand in our way.  Youth is invincible because it isn’t measured by the years we’ve achieved but the state of open-mindedness we have mastered and refuse to let go. 

Sitting in the sand, marking my territory with personalized petroglyphs, I revel in my existence as a member of the world.  The lines of my creation counter the angles of the jungle gym and dance with shadows of passers by.  A citizen of the Earth, I can create as I choose and become what I desire for my imagination knows no bounds.  When being a pirate is yesterday’s news and mad science is a passing fad, I play the role of Ancient Egyptian searching for my wayward adventurer to stumble across my domain.  The people of my civilization are not separated by class of nobility and servitude, but measured in greatness by the love that we share. 

Of the people living within my reign, one man stands at my right hand.  He is no less and no more in status than I because he is my equal.  He is I and I am him for once true equality is achieved, there can be no separation.  Where I go, he will follow and where he treads, I will trail.  My companion is my wayward adventure.  He is my first mate.  He is my lab assistant.  I love him beyond measure because our adventures are innumerable and our infinite moments of happiness are accessible only through our partnered attempts. 

With the world at my fingertips and creation in my palms, like many before me, I wish for more.  Surprise is not experienced I’m sure for this is the true nature of man.  We want what we can’t achieve and once we’ve achieved all we desire more.  These are not new ideas and this is not an outlandish state of mind because I am you and you are me as we are equals that share these words.  Still, in my philosophical playground, the desire for something extra resounds ever-present in my adolescent mind. 

I am worthless and that makes me feel invincible.  If my worth is calculated by the experiences I’ve had, then with innumerable and immeasurable adventures under my belt the value of my worth can never be found.  Thus, I am worthless.  And what I desire is a who as worthless as I. 

My companions are my own but they cannot create.  I cannot give them free will.  I am a powerless God.  My first mate and wayward adventurer can stand by my side through triumph and turmoil, but he will disappear as soon as I lose concentration.  He is a figment of my imagination, my true imaginary friend if you will, but I am well aware of this notion unlike some before me.  The body of a child with the mind of a scholar is my blessing and curse.  Well aware of my position in the world, I search for my true equal.  The experiences I can have would increase exponentially with a true, tangible companion.  Someone I can touch, and I can see, and I can love as my equal is my real desire. 

Fending off my peers that lack my understanding of creation is the daily challenge I face.  Their stares and insults and childish antics pierce holes through my world with daggers of reality.  Hard as I may try to rebuild my kingdom, the columns come crumbling down without a companion to work as my foundation.  Try as I might, I cannot make real my imaginary right hand man.  It is impossible to force his traits into a living being, but as I have created his soul and essence and sent it out into the ether of the world I can only wait for my creation to be absorbed by another who will in turn become my soul mate.  A mating of souls thus codified due to the creation of his soul by my soul and absorbed by who will become my companion. 

I can now only wait with open optimism for my creation to take flight and find homage in a suitable vessel.  This is my charge and until the successful transplanting of souls comes to fruition, I will continue marking the Earth and bending my reality.  Alone and unafraid I anticipate his arrival for my work is done.  I have created the magnum opus of my era, flawless in all aspects of preparation.  With this knowledge I am content to be.  Alone if my nomadic creation never finds a home and hopeful and proud for the day that he does.  Struck and stoned by the adolescent minds around me, I can no longer be harmed.  I have found my invincible youth and I will never let it go.

Happy Valentine's Day

Just like the next guy, I hate Valentine's Day...

Don't judge me, it's just a disappointing reminder that I'm still single.

That said, I am going to take the next few sentences convincing myself that I don't hate Valentine's Day.

Call me crazy...I might as well try creating world peace.

Here goes:

I love.  I love well and I love hard.  My friends are a lasting reminder that my heart (thank you Celine Dion) will go on.  I am reminded every day that I have amazing people in my life.  People that I enjoy spending time with, people that I keep in my thoughts, and people that I love.

I have a vast array of truly wonderful friends.  I surround myself with beautiful people and genuine souls.  How then is it that I convince myself that a holiday made to celebrate the very heart that I have is one not worth celebrating?

Here's to you Saint Valentine!

I am a lover!  I am loved!  I don't need one valentine to spend this day with because I have all of my friends.  They are my valentines and I am their's if they choose to accept me as such.

So let's take this day and spread love.  Let's remember that the Lonely Hearts Club doesn't need members anymore, they're at maximum capacity.

The Lover's Club is accepting applications...