Left Behind

What do you do when the thing that brings you the most joy also causes immense pain?  When the love that you feel makes you hate yourself?

Trust me when I say that the ultimate sacrifice for love is letting go and leaving your heart behind.

It's been a while now since I've made the conscious decision not to love the one man I love more than any other.  When you don't believe in love at first sight and are proved wrong by the emotions that one person provokes in you how can you expect an easy rebound?

This has been really hard for me.  I've lost a good friend who showed me just how little I can be valued.  I've wasted months of emotional torment.  I've lost hope in the world around me and what it has in store.  I don't trust that good things can come my way because I whole-heartedly believe that I have one of the best things life can give me dangling in front of my eyes and I can't see beyond him.

Somebody hold me too close...somebody hurt me too deep...somebody show me that at the end of the day, I am a wonderful last sight before slumber.

I want to go back to high school...where a relationship was based on how many times you text each other and how many hickies you have to hide before school.

I
Want
To
Love
Again

I know that what I have now is better than a "boyfriend."  What I have is a best friend, and those really don't come that often.  I realize that I'm blessed with numerous best friends and that could possibly be the reason why I want this new applicant to become something more.

Something that he'll never be.

And that's something I know and understand and still can't comprehend.

This brain of mine is a stupid place, loaded with burnt memories and singed experiences.  It's hard now to make out the building blocks of who I am today.  And believe me, it's pretty hard to build a me of tomorrow when I can't remember what the foundation looked like.

I want to regain my intellect.

I want to write again.

I want to make art and follow my dreams and succeed.

I want these things that are so easily in my grasp and I want someone to carry them with me.

The greatest thing I want to learn...is just to love, and to be loved in return.

Good night.

Writing Again

Well...it's definitely been a while.  Instead of filling you in on all the things in my life that you've missed, I'd like to leave you with something I've written recently.  I could explain it to you, but I'll just let you read it.  I hope you like:

Swing sets and merry-g-rounds.  These are our challenges.  How high can you swing, how fast can you spin?  These are our accomplishments.  Our happiness is measured in moments like these where the world is our own and nothing can stand in our way.  Youth is invincible because it isn’t measured by the years we’ve achieved but the state of open-mindedness we have mastered and refuse to let go. 

Sitting in the sand, marking my territory with personalized petroglyphs, I revel in my existence as a member of the world.  The lines of my creation counter the angles of the jungle gym and dance with shadows of passers by.  A citizen of the Earth, I can create as I choose and become what I desire for my imagination knows no bounds.  When being a pirate is yesterday’s news and mad science is a passing fad, I play the role of Ancient Egyptian searching for my wayward adventurer to stumble across my domain.  The people of my civilization are not separated by class of nobility and servitude, but measured in greatness by the love that we share. 

Of the people living within my reign, one man stands at my right hand.  He is no less and no more in status than I because he is my equal.  He is I and I am him for once true equality is achieved, there can be no separation.  Where I go, he will follow and where he treads, I will trail.  My companion is my wayward adventure.  He is my first mate.  He is my lab assistant.  I love him beyond measure because our adventures are innumerable and our infinite moments of happiness are accessible only through our partnered attempts. 

With the world at my fingertips and creation in my palms, like many before me, I wish for more.  Surprise is not experienced I’m sure for this is the true nature of man.  We want what we can’t achieve and once we’ve achieved all we desire more.  These are not new ideas and this is not an outlandish state of mind because I am you and you are me as we are equals that share these words.  Still, in my philosophical playground, the desire for something extra resounds ever-present in my adolescent mind. 

I am worthless and that makes me feel invincible.  If my worth is calculated by the experiences I’ve had, then with innumerable and immeasurable adventures under my belt the value of my worth can never be found.  Thus, I am worthless.  And what I desire is a who as worthless as I. 

My companions are my own but they cannot create.  I cannot give them free will.  I am a powerless God.  My first mate and wayward adventurer can stand by my side through triumph and turmoil, but he will disappear as soon as I lose concentration.  He is a figment of my imagination, my true imaginary friend if you will, but I am well aware of this notion unlike some before me.  The body of a child with the mind of a scholar is my blessing and curse.  Well aware of my position in the world, I search for my true equal.  The experiences I can have would increase exponentially with a true, tangible companion.  Someone I can touch, and I can see, and I can love as my equal is my real desire. 

Fending off my peers that lack my understanding of creation is the daily challenge I face.  Their stares and insults and childish antics pierce holes through my world with daggers of reality.  Hard as I may try to rebuild my kingdom, the columns come crumbling down without a companion to work as my foundation.  Try as I might, I cannot make real my imaginary right hand man.  It is impossible to force his traits into a living being, but as I have created his soul and essence and sent it out into the ether of the world I can only wait for my creation to be absorbed by another who will in turn become my soul mate.  A mating of souls thus codified due to the creation of his soul by my soul and absorbed by who will become my companion. 

I can now only wait with open optimism for my creation to take flight and find homage in a suitable vessel.  This is my charge and until the successful transplanting of souls comes to fruition, I will continue marking the Earth and bending my reality.  Alone and unafraid I anticipate his arrival for my work is done.  I have created the magnum opus of my era, flawless in all aspects of preparation.  With this knowledge I am content to be.  Alone if my nomadic creation never finds a home and hopeful and proud for the day that he does.  Struck and stoned by the adolescent minds around me, I can no longer be harmed.  I have found my invincible youth and I will never let it go.

Happy Valentine's Day

Just like the next guy, I hate Valentine's Day...

Don't judge me, it's just a disappointing reminder that I'm still single.

That said, I am going to take the next few sentences convincing myself that I don't hate Valentine's Day.

Call me crazy...I might as well try creating world peace.

Here goes:

I love.  I love well and I love hard.  My friends are a lasting reminder that my heart (thank you Celine Dion) will go on.  I am reminded every day that I have amazing people in my life.  People that I enjoy spending time with, people that I keep in my thoughts, and people that I love.

I have a vast array of truly wonderful friends.  I surround myself with beautiful people and genuine souls.  How then is it that I convince myself that a holiday made to celebrate the very heart that I have is one not worth celebrating?

Here's to you Saint Valentine!

I am a lover!  I am loved!  I don't need one valentine to spend this day with because I have all of my friends.  They are my valentines and I am their's if they choose to accept me as such.

So let's take this day and spread love.  Let's remember that the Lonely Hearts Club doesn't need members anymore, they're at maximum capacity.

The Lover's Club is accepting applications...

Complaining

Wow...I really went to town on the whole melodramatic gay card in my previous blog.  So how about this for a contrast:

Stop complaining.

It's not attractive.  Nobody likes to hear it.  We've all got our own problems to deal with so stop freaking complaining about your easily solved problems.

If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change you freaking attitude about it.  Maya Angelou knows what I'm talking about here so I must be on to something!

Complaining about a situation is not going to resolve it.  What you need to do is learn how to step out of the situation, map out exactly what the obstacles are, and pick out the quickest route for solution.

Complaining is like procrastinating on putting a pair of shoes into your closet.  They don't belong in the middle of the living room, they're going to get in the way eventually, you don't like seeing them there anyways, so you might as well get to it.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying I will turn someone away when they need help.  What I'm trying to say is, figure out if you can do something on your own before going to everyone else to do your dirty work.  And if getting someone to help you out is your final solution, then pay attention to how they fix it so that you can learn from them and acquire the knowledge they've just presented you.

Life is a learning experience.  We can't simply glide by unknowing of all things around us.  Well...technically, yes, one can...but we shouldn't!

Rather than being an idle bystander in our own lives, how about we take action and get the gears turning.

If that doesn't sway your mind, think of this:

Complaining is annoying!

Woe is me...

To be perfectly honest, if you don't care to find out that I'm a real person underneath the thick-skinned facade...just don't even bother reading the rest of this.

I feel like shit.  I am remarkably alone even though I'm surrounded by so many loving people.  I try to put it out there that I'm strong and happy (possibly to show some that I don't need them in my life) and it really just gets tiresome after a while.

I want to curl up into a ball and never wake up because my mind is the only safe place for me.  In there I can control everything that occurs, from the fantastical to the decor I can be the puppet master.

In my mind I am safe because in there are: all of the secrets that I have been told that I have never shared, the cries I wish I could let out, the things I want to say that I hold back on, the regret for saying some things that I should have held back.  When those things are in my own mind, I can control it.  I can tuck them away and I can ignore them or call on them when I need to.  When I'm thrown into a mix of people, everything goes out of whack.  I want to pour the contents of my brain into their lap.  I want to divulge everything I've learned about old religions, technical acting, musical insight, dance intuition, and how to match the rhetoric of your latest favorite author.

I want to be happy for the great things that have come my way but I'm too preoccupied with the bad things that I've just helped others through.  Or the negative things that I can't seem to get away from.  I've made the attempt at becoming a positive person freely and without struggle and it has become the hardest adventure I have ever set myself out on.

Harder even than leaving everything and everyone you know to start a life in a state you've never lived in to pursue a dream that could very well turn out to be just that.  Harder even than choosing a lifestyle that hurt everyone close to you and wish that you could take it back so that you could have that one person to love you unconditionally.  Harder even than wanting to cry so badly that nothing happens because you have held back the tears for so long.

Do I need a relationship?  I don't think so.  I understand that in the end, I'm alone anyways.  When I fall asleep, regardless of who I lay next to, I go into a world all my own where no one else can join me.  That "alone" is what makes me who I am.  I preach so much about having to overcome yourself before you can even be ready to attempt something more than just you...but what happens when you've overcome yourself to the point where you have conquered all that you are.  And the only thing left is a minuscule fraction of what you used to be and what you will never become.

I am Atlas too weak to shrug.
I am a column eroded with time.
I am a keystone turning to dust.
I am the foundation laid upon the sand.

I am losing friends.

I am doing exactly what I did in high school before I moved to Japan.  I got rid of all of my friends so that it hurt less when I left.  I'm breaking down the friends that I have at school now so that I can graduate in peace. I'm setting myself up for solitude...

I have learned that being positive is being fake.  I tried to force my negative energies out by masking them with positive but I've realized that the positive is only a surface trait.  Even in the moment I know when I'm consciously trying to be positive because I'm attempting to convince myself that the negative isn't my reality...when in reality...it is.

Our gift as mankind is to live because when we die, everything is uncertain.  So how do we learn to appreciate that gift when this life becomes close to unbearable as each day progresses?

How do you offer a helping hand when your bones are made of sand?

So there you have it:  Adriano is a regular guy who freaks out sometimes.

I guess you were right, we're not all perfect.

God again?

Yes, I'm going back to talking about the big guy in the sky.  But more so than me discussing my annoyance with those that refuse to believe in anything spiritual, I'm going to divulge a little something I just read from The World's Religions by Huston Smith.

First and foremost, an idea that I find most intriguing is that God can be found by any one person simply by figuring out what God is not.  Neti, neti is what they call this activity in Hinduism.  Literally translated as "not this, not this."  The concept of simply deciphering what God is not in order to find out what he is intrigues me so much.

And what I love quite a bit is the idea that God is not some omniscient being that created all and can destroy all, but an infinite Being inside each of us.  Our spirit is God.  The way you become close to this infinite being is by getting rid of all finite things in your life that thicken the walls between the physical you and the infinite you.

Next to that is the idea which Hinduism teaches that all religions are equally valid.  As there are 4 paths in Hinduism to find God (through Knowledge, Love, Work, and Psychophysical Exercises) there must also be other paths as well.  Different religions are simply different paths to find the same God.  The Hindu book Vedas says "Truth is one; sages call it by different names."  Now how bout that?  A holy book that doesn't try breaking down other people's beliefs.  There's even this story about how Shiva approached a man who hated all deities but Shiva.  He told him that he would never be pleased with the man while he hates.  The man was stubborn so Shiva had to visit him many times.  On the final time, Shiva arrived in the form of half Vishnu and half Shiva.  The man took his offering and placed it towards the half that was Shiva.  Shiva gave up, saying, "this man's bigotry is incorrigible."  The point Shiva was trying to make was that He was all of the other Gods.  They are one and the same.

Then there's the question as to Why we exist in the world?  Response to that being:  You have the choice of withdrawing from the game of life.  The only answer that can be given is that the game is its own reward.

Regardless of your religious affiliations, these views are quite admirable.

Try being grateful for the world you live in because it is a reward to be living after all.

And start believing in yourself...in doing so, you may find that you do believe in God after all.

Love

Don't judge me, yes I'm going to blog about love.

No, I'm not going to talk about my relationships.

No, I'm not going to cry over past mistakes.

Yes, I am going to talk about love.

Love in my sense of the word that is.

Have you ever noticed that when people are in a relationship, they wait for forever to say "the L word" whereas best friends have no problem saying it right away?  (Have you also noticed that I use a lot of rhetorical questions to get you invested?)

I find that remarkably intriguing.  The fact that you want to hold off telling someone who could potentially be your life partner that you love them tells me that you have not made a good decision as to who you're with.  I personally don't believe you should be in a relationship with someone that you're not already comfortable to say "I love you" to.  I say I love you to the people I truly love in my life.  Girl friends, guy friends, family.  And I believe that I do genuinely love them.  So to me, I feel that it would be in my best interest to pick a mate from that group of people.  Why search for some stranger, hope to fall in love with him, and pray for something that won't hurt when all the while you have a corral of people that you have already accepted applications from, spent plenty of time interviewing, and already feel a connection with at your beck and whim?

I sort of blogged about this before when I was talking about how not wanting to be in a relationship with your best friend is foolish.  I'll elaborate a little extra on that by saying:  If you're afraid of ruining your friendship by starting a relationship that may end at some point then it's your friendship that needs some tuning up, not that you weren't right for each other.

I believe that we are given numerous soul mates throughout our lives.  Every person that we welcome in and choose to accept into our hearts, are our soul mates.  If they weren't our soul mate, then we would never have met!  It's like fate in a way.  That's what soul mates are after all.  They are people that you were fated to be with and so it is as such.

So how about spending a little time with your soul mates and start looking at them a little differently.  Who knows, you might even find something you never realized was sitting right in front of you.