Planes, Trains, or Automobiles?

After a wonderful roller coaster of a visit with my family for two weeks, I am finally on my way back home to good old Rhode Island (sarcasm noted).  Considering that I love traveling by train, I figure I might as well do something to pass the time.  How about blogging?  Of course!

I was talking to my mom the other day about plane travel vs. train travel and figured, “You know what, why not?  Blog it.”

So you have planes.  They fly quickly and get you to your destination on time.  They also have nice (sometimes) stewards and stewardesses to offer you food and beverage.  How sweet?  Ok…aside from that is there any benefit?

I say NO!  Let’s say you travel from, I don’t know, Rhode Island to Virginia.  A roundtrip ticket for that would run at least 200 bucks.  If bought last minute due to emergencies, we’re talking 400 here.  So you’ve just paid between 200 and 400 dollars to be crammed inside a pickle jar of smelly people that are way too close to you and who won’t stop breathing on you as they sleep.  Your ears are popping like crazy and you can’t even hear your own thoughts.  The air is remarkably dry and, let’s face it, you’re going to try holding your bowel movement as long as possible because you don’t want to be the guy who set off a bomb in the cabin.  On TOP of that, you have the ridiculous stress people go through for airport security!  “Yes, I know my dildo looks like a gun on the X-ray screen.  I’m sorry, but so would your erect penis as long as you have these idiots watching the screen.”  “Remove my…what?  Shoes?  Wait…why?  If there’s any metal in them, wouldn’t they go off while I’m walking through the metal detector?  And if your metal detectors don’t pick up the steel used in crafting my body piercings, then what makes you think the chimpanzee watching the screen can figure out what that speck is in my shoe?  It’s iron by the way.  I soldered the tip of my shoe, just to piss you off.” 

AND THEN there’s the hassle of checking bags!  Ok, let me wait in line for approximately forever to let you tell me that my bag is one pound overweight and that I have to pay an extra “Heavy” fee.  Um…if we could apply that concept to real life, your ass would be racking up quite a debt in “heavy” fees if you know what I mean.  After all is said and done at the Check-In, passengers are now just running the risk of…hmm…maybe or maybe not actually getting their bags flown to the same location as where they’re going.  If I wanted to play Russian Roulette, I would have packed a gun, just saying. 

Now on the other hand, the right hand of course (right as in correct, I have nothing against left-handed passengers.  All are welcome.), you have trains.

Awww, trains.  Good, old-fashioned, simple method of travel.  No bother with taxiing on a runway for hours because someone spilled Juicy Juice on the track.  Nothing of the sort.  Just, “All Aboard!” and we’re off.  It may take you a little bit longer to get to your destination, but it’s also much cheaper than that god-awful plane ride you just experienced.  A one-way ticket from Providence, RI to Newport News, VA costs as little as 60 bucks if bought in advance.  Because the ticket prices of the train don’t really change like they do on planes, you can get a roundtrip ticket for only 120 smackers.  If bought the day of the trip, the one way ticket is only 150 dollars.  If you buy both of those tickets on the day of your trip, they’ll cost you 300 bucks max.  Already 100 dollars cheaper than that emergency plane ride.  I think we get the point that trains are cheaper than planes so I’ll move on to the next point:

YOU CAN USE YOUR CELL PHONE!  You can sit on a train for the entire length of the trip and never not be talking to someone you know!  How awesome is that?  You can text your heart out, you can tell your mother you love her and thanks for reminding you to put the pecans in your bag (don’t ask).  You can browse the web if you so happen to have mobile web access (Which most Verizon Wireless customers can get unlimited for a very reasonable price.  J  Gratuitous product placement, BINK!)!  “Now what do I do when my battery dies?”  Well I’m glad you asked, because most Amtrak trains are equipped with two 120 volt outlets next to every pair of seats for you to plug whatever your heart desires into, providing you with hours of energy! 

Now, although the train doesn’t have a cute steward (that you pray will help you get into the mile-high club), it does have a snack car.  You can order whatever you want and maybe even hit up the sexy bartender while you’re there.  On top of that, you never run the risk of having to sit “bitch” between two fat strangers while flying at top speeds.  Nor do you have to stay buckled into a restraint that was built for a skeleton.  “But seatbelts save lives,” you say.  Um…what are you going to hit while on the train that is going to send you careening from your seat into a deadly frenzy of flailing limbs?  The train is on a one way track that nobody else can travel…I’m pretty sure you’re all set.

And Oh, Em, Gee…you can pack whatever the hell you want because you don’t have to check baggage!  You keep it with you the entire time, nobody touches it but you, and inside you can practically line the bag with goodies that a plane would not permit.  And I’m not even talking illegal shit here.  I mean you can bring water bottles, booze, a full roll of toothpaste that doesn’t have to sit inside a plastic bag!

Even if smuggling illegal junk is your fancy, how fortunate for you that there still exists a mode of reliable transportation that will cater to your needs.  I had a few friends who were going on vacation to DC and they were pretty disappointed because they had just bought some Paka Lolo (google it), but couldn’t bring it on the plane.  If only I had written this blog sooner, those two would have been having the best drug-induced time of their lives.  All thanks to…trains!

So:  Planes, trains, or automobiles? 

You decide.

I have.  ;-)