Fading

I stopped.

I stopped writing.

For some reason, I just…stopped.

Writing used to be my salvation, my grace.

It used to be the medium by which I poured my soul.

Yet somehow, someway, this task has lost sensation; become banal.

I wish.  I want.  I pray.

There once was inspiration.

There once was drive.

I miss this honest invitation.

I miss the heartfelt thrive.

Is this a poem about writing?  Maybe.  Maybe I’m just looking for attention.  Or maybe, I’m not judging.  I’m free.  I’m playing.  I’m putting words to the page and allowing myself to fail.  Fail magnificently.  I am a failure.  I have not reached the top.  I loom in the middle making bargains with the judge. 

I miss my past.

I miss what once was.

I miss having a home and knowing.

I miss playing outside.

I miss having dreams.

Now they’re just agreements, negotiations.

“Logically, I have to stay in this position for X number of years.  Once N number of dollars are saved and E number of children are produced, I can change. 

My mouth is dry and all I can think about is being with you.  I miss you.  I miss this.  I miss this with you; no cares in the world. 

I’ll find my dream again. 

I’m not sure how, or when, or where.

But I will find it.

Stories

Once upon a time,
There was a story that came to an end.

Just as it was nearing the finish line,
Another story began.

This story met the First.

In their brief meeting, 

Before the First finished,
The two begat a Third story.

It then stood in the legacy of the First.

The Second and Third stories became friends as the First disappeared.

Their friendship begat yet another story.

As the Second grew old, the Third became sad.

“I am afraid of what will happen when you end,”
Wept the Third.

Little did it know, the story that the Second and Third created also created a few stories of its own.

The Fourth created a new story with the Second (the Fifth) and another with Third (the Sixth).
The Fifth created new stories with the Second, Third, Fourth, and Sixth.
The Sixth, stories with the Second, Third, Fourth, and Fifth.

As the Third wept in the presence of the aging Second, the Second simply smiled at the Third.

“You fear the future when the present has already become the past. Look around you. You and I are a part of all of the stories we have created together and we will continue to be a part of the stories yet to come. When you feel alone or worried, visit with one of the stories we have created. In them, you will find me. But, more importantly, you will find yourself.”

As the Second whispered its final words, it dissolved into a small light that burst into a million pieces and struck each of the stories previously created.

Upon impact of each photon, a new story burst from each of the old.

As the Third watched this beautiful duplication take place, a single tear fell from its eye.

This tear struck the ground and from the puddle burst yet one more story.

The Third lifted the newborn story from the ground and spoke softly,

“Welcome to our great family, where you are never truly alone.”

An inquisitive look crossed the newborn’s face.
“What shall I call all of these stories?”

The Third smiled and answered, simply,

“Life."

Winter Blues

So, I'm fairly certain I don't have any followers but I figured I would put a little blog post up. 

For those of you that don't know, I'm about to finish my degree program for my MFA in Theatre Performance. It has been a long and tough three years mentally and emotionally. I am excited for it to come to an end and proud to announce that I have been invited to interview at the University of West Georgia for the Assistant Professor of Theatre position in Voice and Movement. 

I am terribly excited for this new juncture in life, but I must admit that I am moving onward with a heavy heart. 

Pathetic, I know, but I am worried about my love life. As someone who has only had one true experience that I would consider an actual "boyfriend" situation, I fear I will spend a large portion of my near future quite alone. These trepidations are only increased by the fact that I have recently met some wonderful people that I truly wish could join me on this next venture. I know this will not be the case, and thus the following poem was born:

Wandering through t his wilderness,

Wondering who and why. 

How these triumphs break me?

How these failures shape me?

Day goes by and night fall comes,

Slowly stand I waiting.

Whispering.

Hoping.

Praying.

Fellating.

Despairing.

Elating.

If in the end we are as we were,

How can we presume the better ness to come?

I try,

You go.

He laughs,

I sigh.

When will the vapid insincerity fade and genuine truth arise?

Through tragedy?

Romance?

Terror and activism?

These labels have left me in a hollow shell

Assuming the verisimilitude of my own experience.

What are my credentials?

How do I prove them to you?

What's in a name...that which we call a fag by any other name is still as fierce. 

Let me show you how I am,

Let me prove who.

This is he.

He is mine.

I am his.

He is absent.

I am overruled.

One chance.

Scope the land and send me someone willing to follow.

Not blindly or with servitude,

But with faith

In me and himself

To pursue the progress of society together.

Send me a partner.

He and I will change the world.

Is that too much to ask?

Coming Back

I wish I could tell you that I was making a fabulous comeback.

I wish that I could say I got the old crew back together to create a limited engagement performance.

I wish I could show you that everything was ok in my world.

I wish I could do these things, but then I'd be lying.

I have made a lot of discoveries, changed my world views, learned new concepts, grown as a person.  I am not the same Adi that I was a year ago, or two years ago.  In fact, I'm not the same Adi that I was one millisecond ago.  Every particle of my body has changed from the moment I began writing this.  Not a single part of me is constant.  None of us.

This is stupid and very existential, I know.

You can probably guess that I'm currently a little upset.

And for the most basic reason.

Yet again

I've been called a "faggot" from a passing car.

Within 10 minutes of walking out of a theatre, into a campus filled with sports fans parading the Homecoming Game at ASU, a car drove in front of me and a passenger leaned out of the window and simply called me a faggot.  At least they're not yelling anymore...but it's still annoying.

Now, I'm not the kind of person that has a problem with the word faggot.  I am a gay man.  Calling me a faggot is almost the same thing as calling me a human.  My sexual orientation is part of my identity, so yes, I am a faggot.  But do you really have to go out of your way to lean out of your car to remind me of your disapproval of the way I live my life.

Normally this would just pass.  I'd laugh at the word and keep going.  Maybe offer you a cookie for stating the obvious.  But what really upset me is that, right after leaving the restaurant where I ate my early dinner alone, another car did the exact same thing.

What is with this fetish of making these annoying obnoxious statements from passing cars?

I won't understand.

I'm the kind of guy that rolls down his window and calls "Great dress!" or turns as someone rides the skateboard by me and says "I like your shoes!" or compliments my students on their haircuts.

Why is it that our world is so devoid of positive encouragement and words of kindness?

We are stuck in this place where the only time words affect us, are when they're negative.

We are used to this negativity and accept it as a norm.

I don't want that to be the case.

I charge you to go out and compliment someone, a complete stranger.  Make their day.  Make them smile.  It's contagious.  Their smile will make you smile which will make bystanders who observe the exchange smile.

Be nice.

Speak well.

Enjoy life.

And share the happiness that we all deserve.

That's all.

Vlog 2: Need You Now

I did it!  I made my second vlog!  Enjoy!

Procrastination!!

SO...My mother suggested that I start a vlog with me singing songs that are specific to the day that I have had.  Because I haven't blogged in forever and I would love to jump back in with something fun, I'm gonna go ahead and turn this blogspot into my own little Musical Vlog!

One From The Vaults

I haven't posted in forever, so I figured I'd throw this little diddy at you.  I don't want to write yet because I'm bottling up for something great, so in the meantime please enjoy:

To do-to feel-to see-to have-to live-to laugh-to love.

Each action created in the attempt to reach the other.

We do in order to feel. 

And feel so that we may see. 

We see what we want to have and what we have helps us live.

We live so that we may laugh and we laugh so that someday we can be offered the opportunity to love.

Don't run from the knock at the door, it's your chance to step behind the wheel.  Drive wherever you choose and stop when you please. 

It's your life, you've chosen it. 

Now live it.

Live it with no fears and grab whatever your heart desires along the way. 

Find a lover and cherish his being.

Not because he cherishes you but because he deserves what you want to give him.

Discover his soul and listen to the soundtrack of his body. 

Play the blues on his lips.  Scat to his fingertips. 

Hip hop to the whip of his hip and lose yourself in his rhythm.

Strum the strings that make his heart, try the jazz of his eyes for start. 

Spread his lips, make them part, and tango with his tongue. 

Teach him the beat, shuffle your feet, he'll return the favor and your song will be complete.

Every moment you see him your eyes light up.  It's the middle of the day and you're seeing stars.  He takes you places you've only imagined.

He's unlocking your cage and you can fly away, but where to go when all you know is he won't be there with you. 

Take your time, take plenty of his. 

When the two of you are ready, fly away together!